I have a lot, generally, I like to keep a calm exterior but inside there’s probably something just not balanced about my brain. I don’t want people to see and it scares the crap out of me when the cracks become visible.
So I’m exposing them ahahahahaha:
Here’s the list:
My weight: I’m at a very heavy weight and my weight fluctuates massively. I yo-yo diet extensively. When I gain I don’t like to be seen because it shows more on my upper body, face and waist than anything and basically I’m an ice-cream.
My head: I have a big round head, it’s very wide and I’d rather wish it was smaller and less round.
My teeth: I have a lot of gapped teeth, I like it at times but when I take pictures smiling I really want to close my mouth.
My feet: I’ve got the ugliest feet I swear, look up Morton’s toe. End of discussion.
My hands: Huge, I’m very heavy-handed. Urgh (I also have hyperhidrosis which gets worse when I’m nervous or worried).
My body shape: Basically I’m an inverted triangle with shoulder’s like a man (word to Eminem). & a lack of hips, if this isn’t a female travesty then I don’t know what it is. In the land of the hourglass and pear-shaped babes it’s unfortunate being the apple.
My skin: It's extremely textured and I have huge visible sebaceous filaments and major hyperpigmentation I’ve struggled to correct, terribly.
My personality: I’m a very shy, socially awkward introvert and that really sucks when all I wanna do is meet new people and discover new things but I suck at conversation and people look at me weird, yikes I just want to disappear into thin air.
My financial background: I would say my family is on the low of low income. I’ve never been on a family holiday ever, one that I can remember and sometimes it’s frustrating and difficult because I do wish things were better, (it’s crazy because it probably doesn’t seem that way) but that’s not my life.
Boys: Lol, I’ve definitely done some questionable things because I just wanted to be loved, at the same time not really liking myself.
My intelligence: I’m a lazy intellectual, I like learning new things and going deep but I hate extensive reading. Why I’m legit failing my degree lol.
Finally, I care about what people think too much, which is probably why I have all these esteem issues with myself. I’ve cried so many times and prayed to not look the way I look or have certain attributes but that’s what I’ve been given at the end of the day.
One thing I’ve learnt is that if you don’t make a change, you’ll make an excuse. A lot of the reasons I have mentioned this I noticed typing away at my phone is that I make mad excuses for some of the things that can be changed because I give up too easily and count myself out in the first round then torment myself in my head about why I’m such a quitter and a shit person. I give a lot of power to what I fear and dislike (the negative opinion of others) as a coping mechanism and an excuse not to grow out of the dislike and accepting myself for what I am.
Another thing I did realise is that you're never insecure until someone point's it out. If you look at my Instagram you’d think I’m completely sane but I really am the opposite in my mind but, that perfect exterior is a SHAM my life is not that great rn luv. It’s very easy to hide from the world, so they canny judge you. But now it’s out there I’m likely not alone in some of my deep deep deep insecurities. (Whew I don’t think my therapist has heard this much of my crap, consider yourselves lucky xx)
Giving so much power to those things has really crushed my spirit and the small small confidence I once had. I’ll get there in the end but um that’s all I have to say, that’s as transparent as it will get with me folks.
-& To the very nice young man I politely mugged off a while ago, this is why. 🤍
-Lero x